I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
