The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
