Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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