I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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