if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I need to calm my uterus...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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