he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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