So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
