After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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