I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
