Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
