Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
