I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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