I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
