I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
