i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
