Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
