She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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