Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
