fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
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