I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize