I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
