he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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