Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
