Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i dont even know how to be here
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
