His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
