Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
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It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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