You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i drank out of a bidet.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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