I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have aggressive nipples.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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