since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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