my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
