in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
