Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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