two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
