Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
