If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
