I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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