I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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