He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dignity is for republicans.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
