All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
