I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
