took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
