Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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