when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
