I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
