On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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