In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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