oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
