Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
