Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
