HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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