I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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