Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Randomize
