Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
