She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
