I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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