porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
