No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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