I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
