After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
