I need help removing her.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
