Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
