Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
